Marcia Hebert's Blog

The partnership between the parent and the teacher cannot be underestimated. When it is built on mutual trust and respect, everything else falls into place. Everything!

This poem, by Ray Lingenfelter, says it all:

Unity

I dreamed I stood in a studio
and watched two sculptors there.
The clay they used was a young child’s mind
and they fashioned it with care.

One was a teacher.
The tools she used were books and music and art;
One was a parent
with a guiding hand and a gentle, loving heart.

And when at last their work was done,
they were proud of what they had wrought;
for the things they had worked into the child
could never be sold or bought.

And each agreed she would have failed
if she had worked alone;
for behind the parent stood the school,
and behind the teacher stood the home.

I’ve always loved this poem.

In this life, we don’t go it alone. When we learn how to connect with one another and appreciate what others bring into our lives (and into the lives of our children) – how rich it all becomes.

If you would like to further discuss the parent relationships in your program, contact me at marciahebert@earthlink.net. I have lots to share.

My next series of posts will focus on Environments for Children.

Even in the most competently run early childhood programs, parents have concerns and sometimes complaints. And, they have a right and a responsibility to express their concerns and to receive thoughtful responses.

There are some general strategies to use in these situations – strategies that will also help us continue to build positive relationships.

Give these concerns your immediate attention.

Find a place to talk privately and invite conversation. If the parent is too emotional to have a conversation, let the parent vent (getting everything out now will diffuse some of the initial emotion). And, set another time (within twenty-four hours) to have the conversation.

Meanwhile, we can gather more information from the teachers’ (perspective) and begin to piece the problem and a resolution together. If a parent concern is passed on to you by someone else, make contact with the parent as quickly as possible. The longer a person stews about a problem, the more confused and out of proportion it can become.

Listen closely.

Be fully present. Keep an open mind. Get all the information from the parent (perspective). Let your concern show. And, avoid reacting before you have heard everything the parent wants to say. This one is tough, because the temptation to jump in is so strong. Patience, patience, patience at this time will set the appropriate tone for resolution.

Summarize the issue in your own words.

Before you end your conversation with the parent, repeat the issue in your own words. This approach serves two purposes: the parent is reassured that you have listened and that you understand; and, you both know that you agree on the issue.

If there has been an error, admit it.

Sometimes, we make mistakes. I “growl” when this happens. I also find it helpful to take the blame for whatever, whomever, and then move quickly to how we can correct the situation. Our honesty will be appreciated – admitting a mistake is one way to build trust. This I know, an apology goes a long way.

Enlist parents help in solving the problem.

What will it take for the parent to feel that the situation is being handled appropriately? How will we be sure the problem does not repeat itself? Together, decide what might be done to remedy the situation and develop a plan.

Set a date to evaluate the success of the plan.

If you develop a plan, and it is working to most everyone’s satisfaction, wonderful! If not, go back to the drawing board and try something else. I have found that as long as people know you are working on the problem, they are likely to stay with you and continue to help with the resolution.

Let a parent know when a policy will not change.

Policies in early childhood programs have been written because they insure the well-being of children first; they have been written to be in compliance with state and national standards; and they are the foundation of the operating organization. There’s no wiggle room in a policy. It is what it is.

When a parent’s complaint is not one you are able to do anything about (for example, changing your policy on sick children at school), express understanding and explain the reasons you must keep the policy as is. I have found that parents appreciate knowing the reasons, the rationale, behind everything!

Always treat the parent with respect.

We say this so often, it should be a “duh” moment – of course we should always treat parents with respect! But, I think sometimes we miss the mark and get tangled up in an emotional joust with a parent.

I think it is important that each person leave every conversation with self-esteem intact. Parents who have expressed a concern and feel they have been treated well will also be assured that you care.

“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Truer words were never written.

Thank parents who express concerns. Let them know that you think of them as partners.

As a director, I reflected upon every interaction with parents. I found it extremely helpful to write down what happened during the conversation – what was spoken, what was not spoken, and how I felt. I always learned something – for the next time. For there would always be a next time.

I’d love your thoughts on this topic. What have you tried that works? Please share –there is a large readership here, and we can all learn from one another.

As early childhood educators, helping relationships develop naturally and authentically between parents, teachers, and children is what we do. Some of us do this with ease. Some of us need a little guidance. And some of us have used the strategy of building the parent relationship through the child with much success.

Parents have the inside scoop on their child; they already know what makes their little one “tick.” So, let’s tap into this parent wisdom; learn what they have already learned about their child; and begin the dialogue by focusing together on their child. By doing this, a couple of wonderful things will happen: We will know much more about the child, and be able to more quickly meet his individual needs. And we will gain the trust of the parents when we include them, their experiences, their expertise, and their thoughts, in our world.

To get at this “parent wisdom,” we can ask thoughtful and intentional questions about their child. And then, we can listen closely to the answers that will undoubtedly give us more insight into this child and this family. I’m not suggesting a questionnaire to be completed by the parents. But, rather, engaging questions that can, and should, be asked over time; asked informally, naturally, without effort, and when the appropriate moment presents itself; asked during relaxed and enjoyable casual conversation.

Getting the parents’ perspective on many topics and learning from them will build a partnership based on mutual respect and trust. The give and take of positive conversation is a plus. Each interaction moves us toward our goal.

Should a problem arise, what we learned can be pieced together to help us better meet the needs of the child and family. And, down the road, if that difficult conversation is needed, the foundation for it will already have been built.

Here, then, are a few examples. They are essentially conversation starters. They are questions that will get to the heart of the child – the answers to which will uncover a little bit more of the child’s spirit, temperament, family culture, social-emotional health, physical health, learning style, and interests.

• How did you choose your child’s name?
• What especially delights your child?
• What brings on the giggles?
• In what type of a setting is your child most likely to be quiet? more outgoing?overwhelmed?
• What does your family consider good behavior – for your child’s age?
• Are there traditional family games or songs your child enjoys?
• How does your child like to start the day?
• If overwhelmed, what are ways you and your child cope?
• What are typical signs of illness? do they come on quickly? slowly?
• What are sure signs your child is hungry? tired?
• At what times is your child most likely to be talkative?
• What does your child enjoy doing when playing alone? when playing with adults? when playing with other children?

Think what we could learn from the answers. Could we better accommodate each child and family if we had the answers? 

We can learn a lot from the parents in our programs. To recognize that they have much to teach us is the first step in building the partnership.  And, when we have their trust, they will share with us.

This past year I have had the privilege of working with numerous directors of early childhood programs, as well as their teams of teachers.

I presented training that ranged from building effective teams, to creating warmer, homelike environments; from finding and using unique materials and activities for children, to building collaborative relationships with parents; from learning how to set goals and then moving toward meeting them, to de-cluttering spaces for children and de-stressing everyone in the process.

I coached and mentored aspiring, new, and experienced directors alike – at their schools, over the phone, and via email – troubleshooting, and finding solutions to staffing, space, organization, the rhythm of the day, transition, parent, and child situations. I observed both teachers and children – as another set of eyes and ears for the director – helping to make changes as needed. And, I consulted and strategized with directors who were opening new programs; directors who were expanding their programs; and directors who were closing their schools.

I have been pleased to experience, time and time again, the level of commitment, dedication, passion, and enthusiasm of these directors and teachers. They are reaching for quality. And, it has warmed my heart, because I know that the children reap the benefit by having wonderful early childhood experiences.

Recently, I returned to a program to retrieve my Sophia. Sophia is a puppet with spiky gray hair, wrinkles, and a long, black dress. To children, Sophia is real.

But, let me back up a bit. I was consulting with an early childhood program this past fall, and when I walked into one of the preschool classrooms, there was their puppet, Gloria, sitting on the sofa. Gloria is an identical twin to my Sophia! Can you believe it! Anyway, an animated conversation took place between the teacher and the children. And, I agreed to bring my Sophia to this busy room of preschoolers for a play date and an overnight. Well, apparently, the two puppets and the children had a wonderful time together, because, when I arrived at the school to retrieve my Sophia, I was greeted with stories, pictures, and a play-by-play of the Sophia/Gloria adventure:

“They had slept on the sofa under the peace quilt.” (that’s a story for another time)
“They weren’t afraid of the dark – they had a night light.”
“Gloria gave Sophia her necklace.” (a beaded one that the children made)
“Gloria and Sophia are going to be pen pals.”
“Could Sophia come back for another play date?”

And just before Sophia and I left, the entire classroom serenaded us with “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” – Gloria’s screeching voice heard above all others! Sophia and I blew kisses as we left the children and teachers. Pure magic!

Gloria is a treasured part of this classroom. To the children, she is real. They talk with her, care for her, worry about her, include her in everything. She listens, and whispers her thoughts. She is the voice for many of the “unspoken” things young preschoolers think about. And she is their friend.

The teacher who has added this puppet experience to the classroom is a masterful teacher of young children. She has added another dimension to an already rich program. In fact, a gift to everyone in the school – for Gloria is known and loved by all of the teachers, parents, and children!

Pure magic!
Isn’t this what working with young children is all about?

I observed many magical moments this past year, as I moved from program to program and built relationships with the directors, teachers, and children. What a privilege to observe so many wonderful things happening for so many.

Our early childhood colleagues (directors and teachers alike) are doing extraordinary work with the young children in their care. They love what they do! And, there is the desire to want to do it better.

I saw the passion in their eyes; heard the enthusiasm in their voices; and noted the strong commitment to quality in their words and actions.

We are fortunate to have such people in our programs. As we know, it begins with a few, and then ripples throughout the organization. And, as we also know, it begins at the top.

As a director, are you creating a climate for magic?

“… let them be little ‘cause they’re only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh just let them be little”

These are the words to a song by Billy Dean, and every time I hear them, something stirs deep within me.

The longer I live, the less I understand the rationale behind the “rushing,” the “hurriedness,” the “sense of urgency” that accompanies everything we do today. Why the fast lane? Where are we going? What are we racing to?

Many of us today are preoccupied – we are multi-tasking. There is too much to do, too much to know – all of it overwhelming to the spirit. Life is passing by and we are missing so many of the ordinary moments – moments that, as we know, are anything but ordinary! These are the moments that will tell the stories of our lives; but, if we are hurrying through life, we are likely to miss them.

I am most concerned about what this “hurriedness” does to the youngest of our children. They are often swept along in the current of the adults in their lives. They have no control, and no say in the matter.

But, this “rushing” does go against children’s nature. There is certainly a disconnect to their own sense of time and their personal rhythm – which is, in a word, leisurely.

For them, can’t we slow things down? Can’t we let them be little? Can’t we follow their lead?

I marvel at children’s powers of concentration and focus when they are thoroughly absorbed in something. Nothing can move them from the task at hand. And we celebrate that the children are so engaged, and are learning so much from the experience.

Yet, we disturb all of this by ringing a bell, clapping our hands, turning off the lights, or (one of my pet peeves) yelling across the classroom that “it’s cleanup time!” We tell the children that we need to hurry, so that we can get outside on time. And, we begin to hurry – in our voices, in our actions – as we disturb the child’s activity and the tone of the classroom.

The damage has been done – the magic of their moment has abruptly ended. Abruptly. No winding down; no opportunity for the children to figure out how they can continue their activity later in the day. No thought given to their interests, their imaginations, their conversations, their problem-solving – and their JOY!

We have to move on – now!

We know this happens every day in our classrooms. But, does it have to?

Couldn’t we just let the play, the children’s work, continue – for those who are so engaged? Must we interrupt their focus and make the transition to snack at exactly 10:00 – for everyone? Couldn’t we think about another way to make snack available to the children – when they are ready for it?

Couldn’t we intentionally slow down our adult pace and consider the children’s needs (their sense of time and personal rhythm) when planning and carrying out activities and projects? Couldn’t we re-visit the amazing block structure later in the day – and not tear it down right now?

Couldn’t we provide sufficient time for them to be together with friends? to get things done with satisfaction? Couldn’t we allow the children plenty of time to complete their drawing, their book, their make-believe, so that they control the start and the finish.

Couldn’t we provide the time for our young children to enjoy the process of learning? to experiment? to make mistakes and readjustments? to complete a task? to laugh? to engage with others? to have fun? to be little?

Lots to consider and reflect upon.

To my way of thinking, nothing is more important. I’d love your thoughts.

There is nothing more engaging to me than having a conversation with a three, four, or five-year-old. And I do mean a shared conversation – a two-way dialogue that travels wherever our thoughts take us.

Children of all ages enjoy talking with the adults in their lives. And it is one of the most natural things we adults do with the children in our care. Often we don’t even think about it – it simply happens.

Children like to talk about themselves, or about what they are doing. They talk about things that are familiar to them, and that draw upon their knowledge and experiences.

They tell make-believe stories, and talk about things and events they cannot see; events that have already happened; or events that might happen in the future.

It matters not what they are talking about.

What matters is that they are engaging in conversation and, in the process, they are building important language skills.

These language interactions are the basis for building children’s understanding of the meaning of a large number of words, which is a crucial ingredient in their later ability to comprehend what they read.

Children need practice having conversations with the important adults in their lives. By our talking with them, they build their speaking and listening skills. They will use language to ask questions, to explain, to ask for what they need, to let people know how they feel. And they will learn to listen while others talk.

We can help children build language skills through our own language interactions with them, and by setting up an environment that gives children lots of reasons to talk, as well as things to talk about.

How we talk with children matters.

It’s important that our language interactions are the kinds that give children practice hearing and using rich vocabulary; hearing and using increasingly complex sentences; using words to express ideas; asking questions about things they don’t understand.

How do you interact with children?

Who does most of the talking? Whose voices are heard the most in the classroom or in a child care setting?

The child should be talking at least half the time. There is a real difference between talking with children, when the conversation is shared, and the adult listens, versus talking at children, where the adult does all of the talking and the children listen.

What kind of language do you use?

Is it rich and complex? Do you ask children questions that require them to use language to form and express ideas?

The richest talk involves many “back-and-forth” turns in which the adults build on and connect with children’s statements, questions, and responses.

These extended conversations help children learn how to use language and understand the meaning of the new words they encounter listening to other people.

Talking one-on-one gives the adult a chance to repeat (say back), extend (add to), and revise (restate) what children say. Children have the opportunity to hear their own ideas reflected back. This is powerful stuff for a preschooler! And, it goes a long way toward helping a child feel competent and confident.

Narrating what children are doing is a way for adults to not only introduce new vocabulary, but also encourage a deeper understanding of new words so the children can begin to define and explain the meaning of these words.

Narrating also introduces and illustrates sentence structure. Describe (using verbs, prepositions, adverbs, and other descriptive language) what children are doing while they are doing it. Talk during formal activity time, at snack, clean up, outdoors during play – every setting during the day. And, follow up with conversation about what children did during these activities.

Talking with children makes a difference! 

“The more that adults intentionally make time for talking and sharing experiences, the more support there is for children’s language development and later reading comprehension success.” (from the National Institute for Literacy)

Are you making time to talk?

If, as a Director, you follow the trends, research, and best practice in our field, the phrase “the image of the child” will bring your thoughts to a community in Italy, Reggio Emilia, where many have studied the principles and fundamentals of the Reggio Emilia approach. Many of us have been deeply inspired by this philosophy – this way of thinking about children and early education – and it has greatly influenced our own programs.

In Reggio Emilia there is much discussion around this principle – The Image of the Child. For it is the point from which all teaching and learning begin. What the adults believe about children determines everything. These teachers and parents give great thought to the quality and the instructive power of child space. And so, for the children, how will the environment be designed? What will it include? How will children move through their day? What experiences, opportunities, and possibilities will children be able to explore and discover? And, how will the adults support all of this?

Reggio Emilia schools are places where children come first – before anything else. I’ll repeat that because I, too, believe this – deep in my soul. Children come first – before anything else! Children are the focus of all that happens. Visitors see and hear this message as soon as they enter a Reggio school – it is palpable. The presence of children and their work is everywhere.

Reggio Emilia schools are places where children are powerful. They are in control. The space belongs to them. They create again and again. They make choices and decisions. Everything is accessible and organized for them and is arranged artfully to draw them in. And, yes, they are inspired by what awaits them. They are naturally curious and interested in constructing their own learning – by touching, investigating, exploring, questioning, manipulating, taking apart, observing, discovering, enjoying, listening, discussing, putting together – everything in their environment.

This is so because the adults (both teachers and parents) hold an image of the child that allows all of this to take place. They see children as capable, competent, interested, powerful, creative, curious, thoughtful, imaginative, expressive, engaging, and involved communicators, collaborators, and learners. And, it happens, much like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How much time have we spent thinking about our image of the child? And, do our early childhood settings reflect the image we hold?

Do we put children first? Are they the focus of our work?

What we do and why we do it are important questions to visit and revisit from year to year. So, this September, this new beginning, I invite us to look more closely at our work with young children. And reflect upon our own practices of teaching, directing, and leading.

Some questions to get us thinking and focusing – yes, on the Child:

• Do we value and respect all of the ways a child expresses his thoughts and feelings?
• Do we value equally the verbal and nonverbal child? the rational thinker? and the creative thinker?
• Do we listen to what a child says with her words? her behavior? her body language?
• Do we interrupt the thinking processes of a child when we follow a rigid daily schedule? 
• Are we driven by the clock? Are so many transitions necessary?
• Do we carry out meaningless activities during the day that are not relevant to the child’s real world and experience?
• Do we pay enough attention to a child’s strengths?

And, the most important one of all, What is our Image of the Child?

I’d love your feedback on this topic. My next couple of posts will focus on children as well.

See also the writings of Loris Malaguzzi and Lella Gandini.

As leaders and directors of organizations, we do a great deal of communicating.

Here’s another “lesson” I have learned along the way. So, from me, to you…

Sadly, some of us define communication as “telling people!” We are most comfortable with this style, it’s easy, and so it happens much of the time in the work world. I say sadly because in this one-sided delivery, we totally miss the give and take of the interaction. We may also miss some key information. And we certainly miss the opportunity to build relationships with members of our team.

Simply passing out information isn’t good enough. Often we don’t get the results we expect – so, something is not working. It might not be the teacher’s fault in this case. It just might be our communication skills. Does any of the following touch a nerve?

• “I told her what to do, but she never did it – now the deadline has passed.”
• “He should be able to figure that out on his own.”
• “She’s the teacher and should know how to do this.”
• “He has worked for me for a long while – he should know what I mean.”

I believe communication to be a process in human relations in which information and understanding is exchanged between two people. It is a two-way street, and there is a back and forth, especially if we want our team to “do” something with the information we send, or to “act” on the direction we give. How do we know that they heard or read and, most importantly, understood our message unless we provide an environment in which we listen, clarify, and respond to one another?

It goes back to listening! The fact that we have two ears and one mouth should tell us something about the importance of listening. Once we have communicated our message, we listen – fully, without interruption. We don’t assume anything – we listen and wait for the other person to finish before drawing conclusions. We ask relevant and clarifying questions, and then listen. We clarify any misunderstandings and listen as the other person rephrases what we just said. We listen for the main ideas, and don’t get lost in details or other distractions.

We listen in order to understand the other person’s understanding, to hear the questions, to provide guidance, and to move the process forward.

And when we focus on, and concentrate on our listening – in every interaction – our skills will improve and we will be communicating more effectively! And we’ll know – because our messages will be received and acted upon; the projects will be completed as we expected; the report written and delivered to our standards.

The added bonus? People will enjoy working for, and with us! A win-win situation!